UC MERCED CARE
The month of January is stalking awareness month, which is an annual call to action to recognize and respond to the serious crime of stalking. Many shows, rom coms, and movies in the media glorify and undermine stalking rather than recognizing it as a serious issue. Stalking is often portrayed in a lighthearted or humorous way. It is not enjoyable and can be extremely frightening for the person being stalked. It is critical to recognize that stalking is a type of interpersonal violence that can quickly escalate from 0 to 100.
Some examples of this are shows like You on Netflix, Night Stalker: The Hunt for a Serial Killer, Pretty Little Liars, Dark Desires, Stalker, and Eye Candy. 50 Dates, The Notebook, Twilight, and Love Actually are a few examples of movies. The problem with shows like this is that they normalize stalking, thereby romanticizing it. These shows make the victim appear to be playing hard to get or being chased. The victim has repeatedly said no, but the stalkers won't accept no for an answer. The victim eventually caves as the show or movie progresses and unexpectedly falls in love with their stalker. This is not normal. Being followed is not romantic! It is weird and scary. Because they are being normalized in the media, shows and movies discourage people from reporting stalking to the police because they feel like their experience will be invalidated and not taken seriously. It's critical to remember that stalking is not an act of love. The goal of stalking is control. To start off, how is stalking defined? Stalking is defined as "a pattern of repeated and unwanted attention, harassment, contact, or any other course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear." Some forms of stalking include the following:
Resources: CARE Campus Advocate Confidential 209-386-2051 (call or text) Valley Crisis Center (Merced County) 209-722-4357 VictimConnect Resource Center (VCRC) 1-855-484-2846 Noelia Lopez Prevention Team Member Source: victimconnect.org
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TW: Sexual Assault
Sexual coercion is defined as the “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against his or her will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.” I do want to emphasize that coercion can take many forms and is not always physical. It also constitutes verbal and emotional abuse. Sexual coercion is often unspoken about, despite the fact that it is a form of sexual assault. A healthy relationship requires a mutual understanding of what you want and don't want. If you've ever felt pressured into performing an intimate act you didn't want to, you may have been a victim of coercion. People might not become aware that they have been sexually coerced until they start to think about it afterwards. This can be immediate in days, weeks, months, or even years. If you have ever experienced sexual coercion, it is critical that you do not blame yourself for the actions of others. Check out some warning signs of coercion. Perpetrators use manipulation to try to control how another person feels, thinks, and behaves. They can accomplish this by guilt tripping someone and by making them feel guilty, particularly in order to persuade them to do something: Examples: “If you really love me, you would sleep with me.” “Can’t you see how upset it makes me” “But what about my needs?” “Don’t you care about my needs?” “But I am your boyfriend” “Couples do this all the time, this is normal” Threatening is a tactic in which perpetrators pressure survivors to perform sexual acts and, if they do not, threaten them with consequences that survivors hope to avoid: Examples: “If you don’t do it, I will find someone else to it with” “I will breakup with you” “If we don’t do it, I’ll share private pictures of you online” “I won’t talk to you anymore” Peer pressure is a method used by perpetrators to arouse their victim so that they can do what they want despite the victim repeatedly saying no. They react negatively (with sadness, anger or resentment) if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something. Examples: “You’re my GIRLFRIEND. Girlfriends are supposed to have sex with their partners.” “You’re such a tease. I’m going to get blue balls.” “We’ve already done it before. What’s your problem?” “Are you in the mood right now?” “How are you feeling about doing it?” Punishing you is another way perpetrators make their victims feel for turning down their advances by withholding the needs/affection of the victim. Examples: “Can’t you see how depressed I am because you don’t want to have sex with me” “You make it hard to love when you don’t want to have sex” “I just don’t feel connected in this relationship unless we are having sex” “Now, I am going to be in bad mood because of you” There is a lack of consent in a sexual coercive relationship, and the coercive partner does not respect the other's boundaries or wishes. Consent is active implying that there is a lack of protest and resilience, and silence does not imply consent! Coercion is not consent. Sexual coercion has become too normalized, and people are starting to think it is okay for behavior like that. It is important for these behaviors to be called out because, quite frankly, they are disgusting. These actions need to be addressed because, in a relationship, there should be no room for this kind of behavior. It is important to form healthy connections where parties are in agreement. Resources: CARE Office, Campus Advocate, 209-386-2051 CAPS, 209-228-4266 Valley Crisis Center, 24 hr hotline, 209-722-4357 Noelia Lopez Prevention Team Member Source: “What is sexual coercion?” love is respect As a survivor of certain events, I lacked the ability to cope with my trauma because it is something that is never talked about in Hispanic households or as a matter of fact nowhere near where I lived talked openly about dealing with trauma. Hardships was an unknown word to me and much less trauma, I understood that they existed around me but I never was able to feel like I went through any of those things. To me my life was as normal as can be, I was never an expressive kid growing up. I lacked the ability to express my feelings verbally I always overthought things but I found other ways to connect and talk about the way I felt. My mom caught on at an early age I loved writing, and I even dreamt about becoming a journalist. I was never much of a person who liked being vulnerable openly. Every time I felt any type of emotion I always broke it down and analyzed if it was the correct thing to feel. I never let myself feel whatever I wanted, I always tended to change my mind after classifying it as something childish or immature. Whenever my heart won over my overthinking brain I would always write down every thought and I would give the letters or notes to those who I wrote about. I always asked myself why I couldn’t find my muse but as I went to therapy to slowly overcome my trauma I realized that writing was my coping mechanism at a very young age. That is why when I get overwhelmed with emotions and I feel strongly about something or someone I tend to write and write until my hand hurts or until my thoughts stop racing in my head. But I also realized that writing wasn’t only done to help me cope with my trauma but as I got older I did it out of passion. I did it because it became the best way I knew to express how I felt about someone and it was also a physical reminder to myself that being vulnerable to others was ok and that it didn't make me someone weak. It made me proud of the progress I made from the start of my writing journey to what I do now. It made me realize that my most intimate moment with myself was when I would write, my most vulnerable part of me was imprinted on a sheet of paper. My mom didn’t tell me but when I would write these letters to her growing up she would save them. Now that I am older she mentions that they are her most prized possessions and whenever she misses me she reads them to remind herself that I am there with her. It makes me happy knowing that she is able to feel what I felt when I wrote that. I tend to put my soul and heart into something I write for others. I hope that when I write people feel safe and feel like they felt when I would read. That brings me to my other coping mechanism when it came to dealing with all the hardships in my life. Reading has always been my peace of mind, reading has allowed me to venture into new worlds and the lives of other people. It has allowed me to feel understood and to feel safe. Reading to me is my safe haven, I get lost in whatever I read and at that moment everything seems to stop. During my hard times, reading was a way I would escape my reality and it was a way I would motivate myself to keep on going. But I also admit because I read a lot of other stories about others people's lives and their struggles I would minimize my own struggles. But as I grew older I realized my problems were also important and it was ok for me to feel just like everyone else. It was ok to not be ok. It was ok to feel lost in the journey of healing, and it was ok if I didn’t go back to my old life. It also allowed me to connect with authors and their struggles it allowed me to understand the writing at a more personal level. It also allowed me to get better at my writing and to let myself be more vulnerable with those that I care about. Falling in love with the words and stories my favorite authors put out there allowed me to fall in love with life. It allowed me to treasure every little small thing and it also put into perspective a lot of things for me. I realized everyone goes through their own little battles and everyone handles them differently so it allowed me to not only understand and cope with my trauma but it taught me how to lend a helping hand when others need it because we might never know what someone is going through. Books immortalize stories but another way moments are forever kept is through images and music. Music has always been there for me, music has allowed me to feel ok with the way I feel. Music has said many things I have wanted to tell people but haven’t had the bravery to. It has allowed me to express my love and it has allowed me to form memories. It calms me down and it allows me to remind myself that I am a strong person. That I overcame certain incredible things and that I am still here. It allows me to reminisce certain memories I wish to never forget. It allows me to form a bond with people at such an intimate level. Every time I meet someone and spend time with them and learn about them I always connect a song to the person. I have a whole playlist of every song I have ever connected with a memory of someone and I know by the top of my head what song belongs to who and the reason why. Music is the language of love, music tells untold truths, music allows people to feel and music comforts people. It allows you to form some of the best memories with people. All these things connect to who I am as a human being. They were once coping mechanisms and now they have become passions of mine and they have shaped me into the person I am. Immortalizing what I feel has become important to me because I want to remind myself of every time I was happy to remind myself that it was possible to overcome everything. To remind me that I am a strong human being and to remind myself to keep on loving myself because I am worth it.To remind me that I am a strong human being and to remind myself to keep on loving myself because I am worth it. Some of my current overplayed songs are "About you"- the 1975 and "TV " by Billie Eilish. Down below I have attached some of my pictures with some of my favorite book quotes that got me through things when everything was hard. I encourage you to find things that distract you or make you feel good about yourself. It is one of the biggest first step toward the healing journey and one massive step toward your self-love journey. We've all had our fair share of both good and bad friendships. We are introduced to a new community as college students. Many of us are looking forward to making new acquaintances and meeting new people. However, maintaining friendships in college is not always simple. Occasionally, when we meet someone, we think they will be our lifelong best friend and are disappointed when they are not. This is a typical and acceptable emotion.
Everyone should strive to have good relationships with others and with themselves. Toxic friendships are harmful and tiring. When we have unhealthy friendships, we let others step on us and take advantage of us. Sometimes we are unaware of the toxic friendships we are in and allow it to happen because we're frightened to start over, make new acquaintances, be alone, and so forth. We hurt ourselves by allowing others to step on us. Thus, it is important to establish healthy friendships with others. Everyone defines healthy relationships differently. To me, it is learning to respect and trust one another. People value one another for who they are. People may have differing opinions. However, with respect and trust, they can express their feelings and work things out. There is a give and take. When asked what a healthy relationship is or might look like, the CARE team all responded in a similar manner. Overall, everyone agreed that respect and communication are essential. Kaitlyn defined it as not being afraid to communicate with them. This is because issues may be resolved and there is transparency. Being honest with them doesn't make you feel criticized or threatened. There is support. There is no toxicity, no possessiveness, and no jealousy. There isn't any of the undesirable stuff, like drama. There is no rivalry. In the end, it boils down to encouraging and supporting one another. For Alex, respect is the foundation of a good relationship. You receive fair treatment without having to request it, and respect is expected. A friendship involves reciprocation. You encourage one another and offer each other support. Anthony says that being at ease with one another is the definition of a healthy friendship. There is a willingness to discuss, and there is openness. There is space to do so if a problem emerges or something needs to be communicated. There is no hesitation in expressing your emotions and problems. They also brought up the important idea of giving each other space when it's needed. In a healthy friendship, it is important to set boundaries from the start. Setting boundaries is expected in a healthy friendship or relationship. It promotes mutual respect and aids in the maintenance of a healthy relationship. Emotional/privacy boundaries, physical boundaries, time boundaries, material boundaries, and intellectual boundaries are all examples of boundaries. If you ever feel like your friends aren't respecting your boundaries, don't be afraid to confront them and explain how their actions are affecting you. Talking about one's feelings helps to clarify the issue. If they continue to disregard your boundaries, it is time to let the friendship fade on its own by limiting your contact with them or distancing yourself from them. Take a break from the relationship or friendship to give yourself some space if it is affecting you negatively. Finally, no one is perfect, and no friendship is perfect. Within a friendship, conflict is possible. The way you and your friends resolve disagreements is critical to maintaining a healthy friendship. It is important that you and your friends accept responsibility and seek forgiveness (which may not be the case in some circumstances). However, between friends who genuinely care about one another, you'll realize that the conflict isn't worth severing a healthy friendship. Noelia Lopez Prevention Team Member |
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